I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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