last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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