i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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