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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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