we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i think im in europe. pls send help
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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