So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
