no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
