textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
