id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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