The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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