FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
