if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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