please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
