I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
