Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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