Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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