sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
