By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
