I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
