this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
