My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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