u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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