She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
