My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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