I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
