I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
