Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize