i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
