I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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