i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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