i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
