I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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