my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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