i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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