I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
