I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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