So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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