Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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