it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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