A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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