I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
