Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
