if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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