I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
