guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize