??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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