dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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