next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
