My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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