sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
