The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
