Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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