It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
