When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize