seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
