The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
