First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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