If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize