Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
