you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
