good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
