I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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