So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
