that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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