if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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