Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
