I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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