A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
