He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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