your parents love me but you hate me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
