Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
