I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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