That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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