ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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