i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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