she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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