I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
