i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
